Now friends and family, please do not freak out at this post. Those of you who know me well, know that writing is such a cathartic experience for me, and at the moment these thoughts keep coming up and the best way for me to deal with them, is to simply write them out loud and then they out of my body and I can move on.
So, I am having a lot of ‘what if’ moments
What if my husband dies, that is the most obvious one which keeps swirling around my in my head and if I don’t acknowledge the thought, it will keep popping up. WOW saying it out loud and reading it, is pretty full on. I will be freaking devastated. I think I will actually not acknowledge it. I cannot imagine my life without Happy. He is truly my soul mate. I am such a dominant women, strong willed, so opinionated, bossy, etc he is the ONLY man I have ever come to know that truly gets me. I am me always. I have no idea how I will react, I hope to god I don’t have to deal with that for like another 50 years at least!
You know for the longest time, I have always said I don’t need a man, I can do everything myself and you know in most circumstances in my life that is so true, but whilst out running yesterday, so many thoughts flew in and out of my mind and this one kept flying in, I NEED MY HAPPY. So I have given him strict orders not to fucking die on me. It is simply not allowed.
We still have so many many adventures ahead of us!
Then the next ‘What if’ moment that comes to me more now than ever……….actually maybe it is more of a ‘Do we’ moment………you know ‘Do we try and have a child? We have been talking about this so much over the last 2 years and I am freaking scared. Probably honestly I am more worried about how it would change my life. I love it so much now, I can sleep in, train, work, etc etc. The gift of life is so rewarding I know but losing myself is very scary and real for me too. Happy has always said that he would be the primary carer but ‘What if’ he leaves this planet early and then I am a widow with a baby…………………please don’t judge me, I am just being really raw with my thoughts. When I mentioned this to my dear dad, who mind you has also just gone through this experience with his beloved wife fighting cancer (she is in remission yah!) he told me not look at it as a widow, but a gift that I would have a piece of Happy with me always.
We will be looking at how to extract sperm/embryos etc before we go down the road of cancer treatment. If anything this has shown us, is that we have so much love to give and we would make good parents. we would do everything we can to create a good human in the world. We also know too that if it is not meant to be, then we will just get more cats lol lol lol
Wow writing is so good for me. My sister asked me yesterday how I was doing, and I responded, in order for me to be strong this will be my biggest project yet. I will ensure that I deliver the outcome and that is no more fucking cancer. This project will have many changes to its timeline and set backs and there will be the go no go at times I am sure but the end result will still be the same, fight to rid the cancer.
With all the support we are receiving from across the globe, far and wide, I have no doubt in my mind that we will win this battle.
Raise your glasses, tea cups, coffee mugs and lets beat this bitch!
Ps. Please don’t be sad for us, okay. We want you all to love, be vulnerable, if you are holding back on something in your life DONT, live it, your life is yours and it must be lived. Don’t compare, don’t worry about what others think, back yourself on what matters most to you.